Dear Fatty by Dawn French

Author:Dawn French [French, Dawn]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Tags: Biography, Non-Fiction, Humour
ISBN: 9781846053443
Publisher: Random House
Published: 2008-10-09T00:00:00+00:00

Dear Fatty,

I’VE OFTEN TOLD you how fabulous the big beaches are in Cornwall. Not to say the little ones don’t also have their rock-pooly charms, but the big ones that stretch as far as the eye can see, like Polzeath or Watergate Bay, are awesome, with the spray hurtling off the massive crashing waves, and the sheer vastness of it all making you feel so small. I love it when I take very deep breaths till my lungs are bursting with salty, thick-as-clotted-cream air and I feel like I am half Dawn and half Cornwall. You must come and walk on the beach with me and we’ll take the dogs. The north coast is, of course, the wilder, with its strong Atlantic attack dragging along high winds and huge rolling waves for surfers. I spent quite a lot of my youth gazing out at the beautiful surfers, so distant they looked like toys tossed about in the swell. Even up close though, when they finally strode back up the beach, surfers are immensely attractive. Even the ugliest of fellows is quite dreamy when a summer of sun and salt have scrubbed him up.

Anyway, anyway, anyway, a friend of mine, a young surfer in Newlyn, told me that he had an unfortunate incident last summer, when his cousin from Milton Keynes came to visit. The cousin hadn’t been out in the sun at all and certainly not on the beach, so he was as white as a milk bottle and rather shy and unconfident in his brand new Speedo swimming trunks. My friend told him that he needed to strut up and down the beach to attract the attentions of young ladies, and that it would really help if he were to put a potato in his Speedos, that this would undoubtedly rouse their interest. The cousin thought this was a bit strange. I think I would have concurred with that: I’ve never heard of that technique before. It must be a modern thing, among the youth. Anyway, anyway, anyway, the cousin did want to attract young ladies so he apparently slipped a potato, a King Edward I think, not a new one, that would be silly, into his Speedos and off he went to the beach. It was a little bit cumbersome, as I’m sure you can imagine, but eventually he got the hang of it, and started parading up and down for all the pretty ladies to see. However, not one of them seemed at all interested and when the cousin returned to my friend, he said, ‘Sorry, mate, but this potato down the Speedos idea isn’t working, the girls aren’t remotely interested, in fact they seem repulsed.’ To which my friend was forced to retort, ‘I think you’ll find it will work much better, mate, if you put the potato down the FRONT of your Speedos.’ Can you believe that?

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